Wow, it's definitely been a while. It's been a while since I've needed to vent but I don't to actually vent out to a person that has biased opinions. Things have definitely changed the past year or so. But I'll just start with right now. It's been 6 days since I've been 24, and it's been really depressing. Last month I lost an awesome job. I've gotten a new boyfriend, Sebastian, who I've been dating for a little bit under 5 months. I'm still not far in school like I want to be. Fuck, I should have already graduated with a BA, or even a MS. That is probably the one thing that really depresses me. and the reason why I can't go to school.... because I can't afford it. I can't take out loans because I have extremely bad credit. I'm falling deeper in the hole by the day. and when I actually take a class, I lose motivation half way the semester. I don't know what causes the lack of motivation- maybe it's because I think I'm doing so well that I stop and relax, and that relaxation turns into a vacation. Then I'm so far behind that I'm just saying fuck it.
The job that I had paid so well. I probably won't get that good of a job until I actually graduate, when who the hell knows how long that will take. The same thing that happened with my classes happened with work... I'm thinking I do so well and then I slack off.
I stopped with my medication. I haven't gotten into a deep depression yet. When I feel a little down, I drug myself with the meds that I already have. Then I realize the reason why I felt down, was a stupid reason and there's an explanation for it.
The new relationship has been going very slow, but well. I'm really scared actually. It's been a little less than 5 months, and not a single "L" word has been mentioned. Maybe it's better that way to wait? I don't know. I feel it. But I know the feeling is not mutual so I don't bother thinking when I should say it. I know Sebastian, I'd probably have to be the first one to say it. Hell, his longest relationship was 4- 5 months. I've been in a couple of serious relationships where I think I'm going to marry the guy. Then I look back on it, thinking what a fool I was to think that. I mean, I daydream about marrying Seb, but then I stop myself because I know it's just silliness and I bet he never even thought about it.
But fuck dude. I'm 24. When I was younger, one of my goals is to be married by the age of 24. But I know plans and goals change as you get older. Seb asked me the other day what my goals were when I'm 24. I didn't tell him. I shook my head, and said that I don't talk about it. Why didn't I talk to him about it? Because I'm embarrassed. I'm fucking embarrassed that I'm 24, and don't even have my fucking AA yet. But there are reasons behind that, such as money. I'm 24 and should have a career already, or getting my Masters. But I don't feel like going into detail when asked about school.
I feel so down. Am I too hard on myself? I'd rather be hard on myself than thinking that I'm fine the way I am. Right now, where I'm at in life... it's just not a way to live, with a mediocre job, with temporary plans- living with a boyfriend, playing house. (but living with him is actually nice, because he's clean and I dont constantly see [him] because he's at the academy)