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You are the best thing that's ever been mine. [14 Jul 2011|01:47am]
It's been a couple months since I've blogged and this time, it's not ranting, but rather writing about how happy I've been. For the most part.

I have a new boyfriend now, Craig. It's been about 4 months or so. We work together in Security, so I've known him for a while. I absolutely adore him! He is so amazing to me and calls me beautiful. Not only does he call me beautiful, but I feel as though it's sincere also. All my friends think he's great to me and sees how happy he makes me :) At first we both thought he was going to be moving to DC for a job but that fell through. He makes me so happy and I always want to be with him. This is the way that I should feel about a boyfriend. None of those feelings like I had in the past!

The only thing that has been stressing me out is that my mom is here in Orlando once again. She found a place to live just yesterday. She still does not have a job (after being back in Orlando for over a month and a half) and her alimony has ended. She is in denial about it though and is going to be sending my dad a letter stating that her alimony doesnt end until the end of the year. She is driving me crazy and all I have done is offer to drive her around. But when I drive her around, she is not doing anything productive. I'm so sick of helping her out. She's so useless. I can't wait until I fix my car and that I can give her the Lexus back. Then she won't have an excuse to not get a job.

end for now.
its time for you to choose

We're on a "break" [25 Sep 2010|07:26am]
So Tuesday morning at 3AM, Sebastian texts me, "Hey, are you home?" I responded, "Yes, I went home from work early. ha ha I'm surprised you give a damn." (I said that because the previous night I said how it felt as he didn't care about me like he used to) Well then he said "Well all I wanted to say is that I think we should take a break for a couple of days and then sit down and talk after a couple of days." My response? "Wow, I see your balls haven't dropped yet considering you had to text that to me instead saying it in person."

How fucking lame. We've been dating for two years now. I believe I deserve a little bit more respect than that.... than getting that through a text message.

I know he's been working a lot, off duty and regular duty. But still. All I ever do is be a good girlfriend... I cook him breakfast in the morning when I wake up. I clean. I give him random kisses. I don't know what the hell it is. All I know is that I feel like this every few months (feeling as though he doesn't care as much) and I know it's not ME.

It's now Saturday morning. We still havent had a real conversation. All we say is hello (if we see each other). This is really killing me.

I just want to hug him and cuddle with him right now. I need that so much right now. Work tonight was such a load for me. What did I do, to make him feel this way?!
its time for you to choose

It's about that time again. [18 Sep 2010|04:17am]
Yup, it's about that time again. Supposedly every few months I act like this. But, I really don't think it's me. I think it's him now. It's happening too often for it to be my fault!

I, once again, feel neglected. Our two year anniversary is coming up and what's the point of celebrating it if he doesn't look/feel/express that he is happy with me? Every time I want to cuddle... "this is torture. torture. what are you torturing me?" or me kissing him goodbye... he makes a crunched up face like an old man like he doesn't want to kiss me back.

I AM the one getting annoyed these days. All I do is be a good (and faithful) girlfriend. All he does nowadays is put up with me.
its time for you to choose

[06 Sep 2010|04:06am]
granted i'm a little drunk right now but i think that all my friends are either getiting married or having babies and i[m just getting drunjk. it's okay i guess cuz i am not finacia;y ready and my boyfrien cd right now is not ready for and he is too smart to marry me. oh wells. it' s funny how all every other guy calls me beautuful except him . whatevr.
its time for you to choose

[25 Jul 2010|04:41am]
Sooo last night I had a talk with Sebastian about he makes me feel like a stupid piece of shit, because he always calls me an idiot or stupid. I told him how bad it makes me feel and I felt as though he had no interest in me anymore. He said it was because it's been very stressful moving into a new house and our schedules never match. Okay, I believed it, because those are the same excuses that went through my mind before I actually talked to him about it.

Well tonight I needed a ride from work after I went 10-7. It was midnight, and he was at Howl at the Moon earlier and he said he would come get me. Well we decided to have a beer after i got off of work at Cigarz. While sitting down and just talking about random conversation, he doesn't seem interested at all and he calls me stupid, once again, knowing that it made me feel bad. He already called me stupid on the way into CW. I told him don't do it. yet he does it again????

Now I feel like a worthless sack of shit because of my bf. I really didn't think it was possible until recently. NO BOYFRIEND will make me feel this bad. I'm ending this.

because he just doesn't understand what it is to love.
1 bullet| its time for you to choose

My give a damn is busted. [06 Jul 2010|05:00am]
Things lately have been really stressful. Being pulled from the corporal rank at work because of my attendance points. It's such politics. Why wasn't I warned before? I need to get a new job. Preferably in law enforcement, because right now, I'm just wasting my abilities on mind numbing patrolling. I know I am the one who makes up the difficulty of the job, which is already easy enough. I need a challenge. When I was doing corporal shifts, I was already feeling comfortable with it. I need challenges!!

Moving has been stressful. Especially when you dont have a working car. Well, my car works, but it overheats. I've been without a car for about two and a half weeks and have been bumming rides off of co-workers. I'm so thankful that I've had help on that, but I have a lot of other shit to do so I've been freaking out about this. I had my radiator replaced by a friend the other night but it's still overheating. I think my car hates me.

/end rants
its time for you to choose

mix the chemicals right, dear. [27 Jan 2010|05:24am]
Random thoughts:

The other day, I realized that I don't trust many people in Orlando. I find something wrong with everyone. Generally, most people are stupid. Common sense these days is not so common. What it really comes down to, is that most people need to get their priorities straight.

Once I start thinking about how I don't trust many people in Orlando, I start thinking... that the only person that I truly trust is my boyfriend, Sebastian.

But then I look deeper into that. I can't put my guard down with Sebastian. I will get so hurt. If I put everything into I have into him, he could take it away so easily. I am not certain of a lot of things with him. I do know that he loves me now, but I know he can do better than me. and that's what I'm afraid of. There are so many other girls better than me. I wondered the other day, How is Sebastian 'perfect'? Has he even fucked up in his life? Because if he has, I definitely don't know about it. I've fucked up so many times in my life and I have so many things I wish I could have done differently. But I realize that regret is a waste of time, so might as well just do things better.

What I need to learn, is to let things go the way it's going to go. I just think too much.

I've matured a lot in the past year and a half. My priorities are set straight now. But because of my mess ups in the past (pertaining to credit and school) I am now in a hole. I'm trying to get myself out but it's so hard when I make $9.85/hr. The reason why I stay at my work is because I like it there and the experience that I get from it also.

I'm frustrated right now. I can't wait for Seb to get off of work so I can cuddle. I need a good cuddle now and the feeling of security.
its time for you to choose

[19 Jun 2009|04:54pm]
I am trying to figure out how I feel right now. Am I envying other people's relationships or is it mine that has something missing? I'm not a big fan of being all lovey-dovey, but I'm figuring out that I'm not a big fan of being totally independent of each other also.

I'm totally sick of answering the question: "Why aren't you guys gonna live together again?"

I've been thinking, and this has been pounding in my head more and more each day, that if he doesn't love me by now, then will he ever?
its time for you to choose

dating mad models and poppin mad bottles [13 Mar 2009|04:58pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

So I've noticed, that I'm pretty happy right now, despite not having a job. and I want really badly to go back to school. So jobless and school-less, but I am happy. Been submitting my resume everywhere on monster.com.

I am off my medication and I couldn't have felt any better. I'm happy where Seb and I stand in a relationship too. It wasn't rushed, and it's taking time. But that's what makes things good... time. No "L-word" yet. Ugh! I'm too scared. I never said it first before!

Tonight, we're going downtown to meet up with a couple of police academy grads there. Should be fun. I am definitely gonna pace myself... and probably will be DD too. The party that we had the other week...yeah... definitely passed out early. I was a disaster. =[ I just wanted to reach the goal of being drunk and having fun. But I went overboard. Again.

Today I received this little package in the mail with tons of H2Ocean product. Over $100 worth of stuff. T-shirts and tattoo and piercing aftercare. Awesomeee!

its time for you to choose

i'm not loose, i like to party. [06 Mar 2009|08:35pm]
So tonight, Sebastian is having a party at our house. He's graduating police academy next week, so this is pretty much the last party we're going to throw probably. Well, before he's officially law enforcement.

I hope it goes well and not like last time. Last time, it was a disaster for me. I got too drunk and caused trouble, and I passed out early too. I drank way toooooo much. So tonight, I just hope I have fun. I invited very few people of my own friends. I want to mingle amongst everyone.

I'm already drinking, sipping on my Riesling wine.

I hope it turns out well. I'm pretty excited for Seb for the next week. His parents are coming Sunday to be here for his graduating. I'm pretty nervous. Why? because what I talked about my 2nd to last entry. The subjects will probably be brought up. It always is, conversations with family/parents.
its time for you to choose

/begin [another] rant [24 Feb 2009|05:37pm]
Okay, now I'm just going to vent a little. The past two nights, Sebastian has not said goodnight to me. Sunday I guess that's alright because I was coming home from Sarasota from a photoshoot and Jill was with me so I understand if he didn't wanna small talk and just wanted to sleep. But last night... there's not really an excuse that I can think of. "Oh I was tired/exhausted/sick". Yeah, too tired, exhausted or sick to walk 5 feet into my room to say goodnight. I was in my room all that night, and I was on my bed just laying down flat on my stomach waiting for him to say goodnight.

Whatever. I'm confused, but should I look that deep into this? Is it something more? Is something wrong? I don't want that cliche line of "hey, what's wrong? maybe we should talk"

I'm hoping it's just stress. In a criminal justice book I read, it talked about how police academy and the profession of law enforcement is very stressful- and it's hard for friends and family to understand. Because theyre doing so much paperwork, overtime jobs, constant danger, yadayadayada. and that friends and family need to be supportive. I'm hoping it's just stress. I mean, he DOES have tons of tests coming up.

Yeah, that's it.
its time for you to choose

Being 24 [16 Feb 2009|10:22pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Wow, it's definitely been a while. It's been a while since I've needed to vent but I don't to actually vent out to a person that has biased opinions. Things have definitely changed the past year or so. But I'll just start with right now. It's been 6 days since I've been 24, and it's been really depressing. Last month I lost an awesome job. I've gotten a new boyfriend, Sebastian, who I've been dating for a little bit under 5 months. I'm still not far in school like I want to be. Fuck, I should have already graduated with a BA, or even a MS. That is probably the one thing that really depresses me. and the reason why I can't go to school.... because I can't afford it. I can't take out loans because I have extremely bad credit. I'm falling deeper in the hole by the day. and when I actually take a class, I lose motivation half way the semester. I don't know what causes the lack of motivation- maybe it's because I think I'm doing so well that I stop and relax, and that relaxation turns into a vacation. Then I'm so far behind that I'm just saying fuck it.

The job that I had paid so well. I probably won't get that good of a job until I actually graduate, when who the hell knows how long that will take. The same thing that happened with my classes happened with work... I'm thinking I do so well and then I slack off.

I stopped with my medication. I haven't gotten into a deep depression yet. When I feel a little down, I drug myself with the meds that I already have. Then I realize the reason why I felt down, was a stupid reason and there's an explanation for it.

The new relationship has been going very slow, but well. I'm really scared actually. It's been a little less than 5 months, and not a single "L" word has been mentioned. Maybe it's better that way to wait? I don't know. I feel it. But I know the feeling is not mutual so I don't bother thinking when I should say it. I know Sebastian, I'd probably have to be the first one to say it. Hell, his longest relationship was 4- 5 months. I've been in a couple of serious relationships where I think I'm going to marry the guy. Then I look back on it, thinking what a fool I was to think that. I mean, I daydream about marrying Seb, but then I stop myself because I know it's just silliness and I bet he never even thought about it.

But fuck dude. I'm 24. When I was younger, one of my goals is to be married by the age of 24. But I know plans and goals change as you get older. Seb asked me the other day what my goals were when I'm 24. I didn't tell him. I shook my head, and said that I don't talk about it. Why didn't I talk to him about it? Because I'm embarrassed. I'm fucking embarrassed that I'm 24, and don't even have my fucking AA yet. But there are reasons behind that, such as money. I'm 24 and should have a career already, or getting my Masters. But I don't feel like going into detail when asked about school.

I feel so down. Am I too hard on myself? I'd rather be hard on myself than thinking that I'm fine the way I am. Right now, where I'm at in life... it's just not a way to live, with a mediocre job, with temporary plans- living with a boyfriend, playing house. (but living with him is actually nice, because he's clean and I dont constantly see [him] because he's at the academy)

I'm out.

its time for you to choose

when silence means everything. [15 Jul 2008|07:22pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

ughhhhh! you're useless!!!

its time for you to choose

even when your friends don't understand- [05 May 2008|07:17pm]
i hate your fucking guts and you make me wanna vomit.
its time for you to choose

needy [17 May 2006|05:49am]
chris just doesnt understand how much i really care about him. obviously, he doesnt care about me as much as i do for him. i love too much, and then i fall too hard.

why do i care so much?

i need to stop. and i need to go to counseling again because ive been feeling so needy.
1 bullet| its time for you to choose

liars [13 May 2006|11:58pm]
it takes one to know one.
its time for you to choose

hm [22 Apr 2006|01:47am]
True Life: My Boyfriend Can Be the Biggest Douchebag When He Drinks With Friends
its time for you to choose

[19 Apr 2006|12:50pm]
alcohol is always going to be above me, isnt it? is this ever going to change?
4 bullets| its time for you to choose

everything is perfect from far away [26 Mar 2006|04:57pm]
so in the past two days or so, i've felt as though i'm starting to lose everything that means so much to me

i'm losing family- my mom is moving to TX.. along with my 13 yr old sister

i'm starting to lose chris if things keep going the way it is.... he is starting the habit of drinking again. when i say habit, i mean drinking by himself. and it's not just the drinking thats bothering me, it's his medication MIXED with drinking. that there, is going to ruin everything. ive had multiple talks with him but even then, he doesnt fix it. tries to, but its just becoming a habit or something.

things better start looking up or else im going to lose my mind.

god damn it.
1 bullet| its time for you to choose

get well soon. [10 Mar 2006|07:36pm]
I havent updated in awhile because I guess I havent had any depressing moments lately haha. There have been a few situations at work that have gotten me stressed out, but I dont want to be writing about them on the internet since what started the situation in the first place. That make any sense? Good.

Chris and I have been doing very well in our new house. It's been about 4 months now in the new place and I havent been happier. I miss going out with friends sometimes but all I did was drink. I still drink but definately not like I used to at all.

Back on the subject of friends, I get so down about the fact how I dont have many girl friends down here in Orlando. I just want to have girl friends who I can shop with and do girly girl things with. Booooo

Eh, I guess that's all thats going on. My website has more updates than this LJ.
its time for you to choose

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