| mix the chemicals right, dear. |
[27 Jan 2010|05:24am] |
Random thoughts:
The other day, I realized that I don't trust many people in Orlando. I find something wrong with everyone. Generally, most people are stupid. Common sense these days is not so common. What it really comes down to, is that most people need to get their priorities straight.
Once I start thinking about how I don't trust many people in Orlando, I start thinking... that the only person that I truly trust is my boyfriend, Sebastian.
But then I look deeper into that. I can't put my guard down with Sebastian. I will get so hurt. If I put everything into I have into him, he could take it away so easily. I am not certain of a lot of things with him. I do know that he loves me now, but I know he can do better than me. and that's what I'm afraid of. There are so many other girls better than me. I wondered the other day, How is Sebastian 'perfect'? Has he even fucked up in his life? Because if he has, I definitely don't know about it. I've fucked up so many times in my life and I have so many things I wish I could have done differently. But I realize that regret is a waste of time, so might as well just do things better.
What I need to learn, is to let things go the way it's going to go. I just think too much.
I've matured a lot in the past year and a half. My priorities are set straight now. But because of my mess ups in the past (pertaining to credit and school) I am now in a hole. I'm trying to get myself out but it's so hard when I make $9.85/hr. The reason why I stay at my work is because I like it there and the experience that I get from it also.
I'm frustrated right now. I can't wait for Seb to get off of work so I can cuddle. I need a good cuddle now and the feeling of security.
|
|
|
[19 Jun 2009|04:54pm] |
I am trying to figure out how I feel right now. Am I envying other people's relationships or is it mine that has something missing? I'm not a big fan of being all lovey-dovey, but I'm figuring out that I'm not a big fan of being totally independent of each other also.
I'm totally sick of answering the question: "Why aren't you guys gonna live together again?"
I've been thinking, and this has been pounding in my head more and more each day, that if he doesn't love me by now, then will he ever?
|
|
| dating mad models and poppin mad bottles |
[13 Mar 2009|04:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3 |
] |
So I've noticed, that I'm pretty happy right now, despite not having a job. and I want really badly to go back to school. So jobless and school-less, but I am happy. Been submitting my resume everywhere on monster.com.
I am off my medication and I couldn't have felt any better. I'm happy where Seb and I stand in a relationship too. It wasn't rushed, and it's taking time. But that's what makes things good... time. No "L-word" yet. Ugh! I'm too scared. I never said it first before!
Tonight, we're going downtown to meet up with a couple of police academy grads there. Should be fun. I am definitely gonna pace myself... and probably will be DD too. The party that we had the other week...yeah... definitely passed out early. I was a disaster. =[ I just wanted to reach the goal of being drunk and having fun. But I went overboard. Again.
Today I received this little package in the mail with tons of H2Ocean product. Over $100 worth of stuff. T-shirts and tattoo and piercing aftercare. Awesomeee!
|
|
| i'm not loose, i like to party. |
[06 Mar 2009|08:35pm] |
So tonight, Sebastian is having a party at our house. He's graduating police academy next week, so this is pretty much the last party we're going to throw probably. Well, before he's officially law enforcement.
I hope it goes well and not like last time. Last time, it was a disaster for me. I got too drunk and caused trouble, and I passed out early too. I drank way toooooo much. So tonight, I just hope I have fun. I invited very few people of my own friends. I want to mingle amongst everyone.
I'm already drinking, sipping on my Riesling wine.
I hope it turns out well. I'm pretty excited for Seb for the next week. His parents are coming Sunday to be here for his graduating. I'm pretty nervous. Why? because what I talked about my 2nd to last entry. The subjects will probably be brought up. It always is, conversations with family/parents.
|
|
| /begin [another] rant |
[24 Feb 2009|05:37pm] |
Okay, now I'm just going to vent a little. The past two nights, Sebastian has not said goodnight to me. Sunday I guess that's alright because I was coming home from Sarasota from a photoshoot and Jill was with me so I understand if he didn't wanna small talk and just wanted to sleep. But last night... there's not really an excuse that I can think of. "Oh I was tired/exhausted/sick". Yeah, too tired, exhausted or sick to walk 5 feet into my room to say goodnight. I was in my room all that night, and I was on my bed just laying down flat on my stomach waiting for him to say goodnight.
Whatever. I'm confused, but should I look that deep into this? Is it something more? Is something wrong? I don't want that cliche line of "hey, what's wrong? maybe we should talk"
I'm hoping it's just stress. In a criminal justice book I read, it talked about how police academy and the profession of law enforcement is very stressful- and it's hard for friends and family to understand. Because theyre doing so much paperwork, overtime jobs, constant danger, yadayadayada. and that friends and family need to be supportive. I'm hoping it's just stress. I mean, he DOES have tons of tests coming up.
Yeah, that's it.
|
|
| Being 24 |
[16 Feb 2009|10:22pm] |
|
Wow, it's definitely been a while. It's been a while since I've needed to vent but I don't to actually vent out to a person that has biased opinions. Things have definitely changed the past year or so. But I'll just start with right now. It's been 6 days since I've been 24, and it's been really depressing. Last month I lost an awesome job. I've gotten a new boyfriend, Sebastian, who I've been dating for a little bit under 5 months. I'm still not far in school like I want to be. Fuck, I should have already graduated with a BA, or even a MS. That is probably the one thing that really depresses me. and the reason why I can't go to school.... because I can't afford it. I can't take out loans because I have extremely bad credit. I'm falling deeper in the hole by the day. and when I actually take a class, I lose motivation half way the semester. I don't know what causes the lack of motivation- maybe it's because I think I'm doing so well that I stop and relax, and that relaxation turns into a vacation. Then I'm so far behind that I'm just saying fuck it.
The job that I had paid so well. I probably won't get that good of a job until I actually graduate, when who the hell knows how long that will take. The same thing that happened with my classes happened with work... I'm thinking I do so well and then I slack off.
I stopped with my medication. I haven't gotten into a deep depression yet. When I feel a little down, I drug myself with the meds that I already have. Then I realize the reason why I felt down, was a stupid reason and there's an explanation for it.
The new relationship has been going very slow, but well. I'm really scared actually. It's been a little less than 5 months, and not a single "L" word has been mentioned. Maybe it's better that way to wait? I don't know. I feel it. But I know the feeling is not mutual so I don't bother thinking when I should say it. I know Sebastian, I'd probably have to be the first one to say it. Hell, his longest relationship was 4- 5 months. I've been in a couple of serious relationships where I think I'm going to marry the guy. Then I look back on it, thinking what a fool I was to think that. I mean, I daydream about marrying Seb, but then I stop myself because I know it's just silliness and I bet he never even thought about it.
But fuck dude. I'm 24. When I was younger, one of my goals is to be married by the age of 24. But I know plans and goals change as you get older. Seb asked me the other day what my goals were when I'm 24. I didn't tell him. I shook my head, and said that I don't talk about it. Why didn't I talk to him about it? Because I'm embarrassed. I'm fucking embarrassed that I'm 24, and don't even have my fucking AA yet. But there are reasons behind that, such as money. I'm 24 and should have a career already, or getting my Masters. But I don't feel like going into detail when asked about school.
I feel so down. Am I too hard on myself? I'd rather be hard on myself than thinking that I'm fine the way I am. Right now, where I'm at in life... it's just not a way to live, with a mediocre job, with temporary plans- living with a boyfriend, playing house. (but living with him is actually nice, because he's clean and I dont constantly see [him] because he's at the academy)
I'm out.
|
|
| needy |
[17 May 2006|05:49am] |
chris just doesnt understand how much i really care about him. obviously, he doesnt care about me as much as i do for him. i love too much, and then i fall too hard.
why do i care so much?
i need to stop. and i need to go to counseling again because ive been feeling so needy.
|
|
| liars |
[13 May 2006|11:58pm] |
|
it takes one to know one.
|
|
| hm |
[22 Apr 2006|01:47am] |
|
True Life: My Boyfriend Can Be the Biggest Douchebag When He Drinks With Friends
|
|
|
[19 Apr 2006|12:50pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Antidote for Irony" - So They Say |
] |
alcohol is always going to be above me, isnt it? is this ever going to change?
|
|
| everything is perfect from far away |
[26 Mar 2006|04:57pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i'm so sick by flyleaf |
] |
so in the past two days or so, i've felt as though i'm starting to lose everything that means so much to me
i'm losing family- my mom is moving to TX.. along with my 13 yr old sister
i'm starting to lose chris if things keep going the way it is.... he is starting the habit of drinking again. when i say habit, i mean drinking by himself. and it's not just the drinking thats bothering me, it's his medication MIXED with drinking. that there, is going to ruin everything. ive had multiple talks with him but even then, he doesnt fix it. tries to, but its just becoming a habit or something.
things better start looking up or else im going to lose my mind.
god damn it.
|
|
| get well soon. |
[10 Mar 2006|07:36pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
MYNX - I'm so L.A. |
] |
I havent updated in awhile because I guess I havent had any depressing moments lately haha. There have been a few situations at work that have gotten me stressed out, but I dont want to be writing about them on the internet since what started the situation in the first place. That make any sense? Good.
Chris and I have been doing very well in our new house. It's been about 4 months now in the new place and I havent been happier. I miss going out with friends sometimes but all I did was drink. I still drink but definately not like I used to at all.
Back on the subject of friends, I get so down about the fact how I dont have many girl friends down here in Orlando. I just want to have girl friends who I can shop with and do girly girl things with. Booooo
Eh, I guess that's all thats going on. My website has more updates than this LJ.
|
|
| Just once, let's do something different. |
[26 Nov 2005|11:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Boys Night Out |
] |
maybe we can get past these addictions, but the bodies piling up are a whole another story, if your stomach is strong enough.
|
|
| come over to the house and we'll catch up over dinner. |
[23 Aug 2005|03:45pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Boys Night Out - Dreaming |
] |
So much crap has been happening and I havent been neglecting my LJ for months now. Well here are some updates.
Chris is a jerkass and so he broke up with me. He ruined up my life by showing up to my house drunk and ever since then, my mom has been wanting to kick me out of the house by getting me evicted. Umm. I am currently happy with the way everything is going. I got a motorcycle the other day and have been practicing non-stop. I'm going to Nashville in two days to see this guy, Jon. He's actually Chris' roomate's exroomate. How ironic. But anyway, Jon came down to visit Orlando for about 4 days and I met him. We saw each other everynight he was down here. and ever since he went back up to TN, we've been talking on the phone for about 2 hrs each night, plus a few hours online. Everyone talks shit about him but I dont judge by other people's opinion. My opinion is that he is a great guy. I like him.
and this guy Pablo at work looks like one of my exes, Karim. that is freaking creepy how they have like, the same eyes. But Pablo is much cooler and smarter. Karim is just an idiot who does crack.
|
|
|
[17 Jun 2005|04:53am] |
well i did it, i moved outta my house. i couldnt stand it anymore. i actually moved out with chris, my boyfriend. we'll see how long this works out. it's kind of like a test. if it doesnt work out, then oh well. it was an experience and we learned from it. if it does work out, awesome. good stuff, we'll marry and stuff and stuff and stuff. but yeah, right now im pretty piss off at home. he's always so fucking retarded when he drinks. i dont drink nearly as much as him. right now im at the computer and he's snoring and it's awesomely annoying as fuck. so i really dont care too much if he wakes up from my typing. anyway, our first week here was pretty rocky. actually, it really sucked. he was being a total asshole and not understanding at all. but we had a talk and i guess it went well... since i'm still here and all. anyway, the next two nights... tomorrow night, we are having a "move in party" and the night after next, is a "prom" with my work. so pretty much, i plan to have a good time and be smashed. but right now, he's hammered off his ass and if i wake him up, tough shit. i'll fucking laugh.
k im done. im cold. and if i go to bed maybe ill feel better. maybe.
|
|
| honestly. |
[13 May 2005|06:35pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Sword" by Rilo Kiley |
] |
Well if anyone has been reading my website, Chris and I got back together. and I am very happy and he is very happy. I'm really surprised how happy that he is. I've been told that he talks about me all the time and about how happy he is. He's changed a bit... he's exactly how we dated in the beginning. All lovey dovey and stuff. I don't know if it'll last because it didn't last time. But we'll see.
He wants to move out with me. I want to also, but I'm sorta getting scared. My co-worker Joe had been dating this chick for 2 1/2 yrs or so, without any fights or anything, and suddenly she leaves him. They live in an apartment together also. So now he's moving out. I'm just really scared something like that will happen. But then again, we all have to take chances, and this is a chance I'm willing to take.
To fill some people in, Chris and I dated for about 6 months, then he broke up with me for about 4 months. We just barely got back together May 4th. If you all have myspace, you guys can see our most recent pictures here.
Okay, that's bout it for now. I need to update LJ more often.
|
|
| happenin stuff, man. |
[28 Apr 2005|04:46pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. i'm in the library |
] |
Holy crap, I havent written in this LJ in the longest time. Anyway, a lot of crap has been happening, mostly in the past couple of weeks. Well ever since Spring Break... which was about a month ago or so, I've been hanging out with this guy, Justin, from one of my classes. He'd always pick me up from my house and we'd just go over to his house and watch movies, since he freakin has every movie from Best Buy ever. haha. Anyway, his roomate is really awesome too, Andrew. He's SICK on his guitar and so he always plays impromptu concerts for us hehe. But yeah, just recently, like a few days ago, Chris...the guy who I dated for about 6 months and we broke up last Dec 6... decides that he wants to get back together with me. I'm thinking, wow, just as soon as I move on, he wants to get back together. I still love him, I really do. My feelings had never changed. But yeah. What am I going to do now about Justin? I feel as though I'm so far deep into it now. We're not even officially boyfriend and girlfriend so I don't know if I should have to worry but it's still hard. It's hard because he's such a good guy. We do everything that couples do when they're dating. Cuddle, kiss, hug. Cuddle while watching movies. ahhh.
I always have problems like these. That's why I rarely write about them on my website- I bitch and moan too much when I have issues like these and I don't want to come off as a person who does (bitch and moan so much)
bah blah bah blah.
|
|
| Alive |
[27 Mar 2005|11:01pm] |
|
I'm still alive. Read my website for the updates on my life.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
bunnypoo's journal